The Emotional Conflict of Living Two Lives

The Emotional Conflict of Living Two Lives

I’m home for the summer, and while it’s only been a fortnight, I’m feeling a little lonely.

Not entirely, but in the same way I always kind of feel, which I’m starting to realise is always going to be the hard part in living so far away from home for so much of the year.

My family are all in Victoria, while my friends are in South Australia (these are different states in Australia for my international friends).

I love being home, I grew up here and my mum is my bff, but now, more than ever before I love being in South Australia, where I’m studying.

Which is where this part loneliness comes in, I’m starting to feel like my life cannot ever be whole.

No matter where I am, I’m missing someone.

I miss my family constantly, my mum, brothers and grandparents are the most important people to me.

Mum and I try to talk every day on the phone, usually while she drives home from work (however my napping sometimes gets in the way of this), which I love, but it’s not the same as a hug from my mumma.

I facetime my grandparents once a week (I highly recommend teaching your grandparents how to use facetime, I love it almost as much as they do), it feels closer for both me and them, I can talk to them both at once and we can see each other which is so wonderful.

My brothers are a little more difficult, it’s hard to get a fifteen year old to care about contacting you if he’s not getting anything out of it (which breaks my heart a little bit I’ll admit) and it’s hard to catch the other one as he’s just started his first full time job, but I know I’ll always hear from him when something happens and I couldn’t be prouder of how hard he’s working.

But then I come home, and it’s wonderful, I get to spend all of this time with my mum, see how much taller my brothers are now and visit my grandparents in person.

But, two years on from moving out I’m only really in contact with one friend from here, and we make an effort to catch up every time I’m home and I’m so happy to have him still in my life (because I honestly have no idea what I’d do without him).

It’s not like I hold any ill feelings against anyone I fell out of contact with, really I’m a different version of myself now anyway.

Sure, there were people who tore my heart out a little when they walked out of my life, but looking back that happened before I left, so really, good riddance.

So, anyway, the vast majority of my friends are in SA… and I miss them so much.

When you find people that you loose track of time with and want to tell all of your news, and hear all of their’s, it’s so odd when you can’t just show up at their door, meet them for sushi or sneak bottles of wine into the cinema with them at half an hours notice.

Being home, the homesick feeling doesn’t go away, because the feeling isn’t about a place, it’s about people.

And they’re my favourite people and I really don’t know what to do with myself without them.

It’s odd, and not a feeling I’ve really had before this year, last year all of my friends were from outside of Adelaide and we would go home for our breaks, so it felt like there was less of this feeling.

I guess part of it stems from a classic case of fomo, but more so I just miss their presence in my life, I miss being around people that I love so much – of course I want to be doing what they’re doing, but it’s not like feeling left out.

I’m just so lucky to live in a world where technology and social media allows me to be in almost constant contact with my bffs.

And in saying all this, I am so happy to be home for the holidays, it’s just a conflicting feeling, and while I’m on my break I’m aiming to be putting out two posts a week, so look out for heaps of new content coming your way!


Mal xx

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